A Roundtable for Men

A funny thing happened on the way to “equality”…. I stopped and remembered, that’s not what it’s all about.

2011-02-24T16:38:00.000-08:00

This post is a great example of two real-life interactions that I was right in the middle of just this week.

If nothing else, I offer these stories so that you might think about how this info could help you in your daily interactions or “relationships”

Setup: I am a technical resource at a very large company… as part of a restructure of our IT department; we have instituted a new ticketing system. One element of that system is an automatically generated performance survey that is sent to the end user after each service request is resolved. In our last IT staff meeting, Management stated that we were to review our individual survey results on a weekly basis and “reach out” to all users who returned surveys with negative comments. It was also stated that if we did not, they (Management) would, and we wouldn’t like those results… “No pressure”.

The two interactions below illustrate the two very different dynamics I am fortunate to experience regularly in my life and, I bet you can relate...

Interaction 1:

I was working with a male co-worker on his system problems… His computer was hanging several times a day and he was obviously frustrated. I wanted to talk about options… upgrades vs. new system, etc.

His frustration boiled over… his comment was “I am not an IT person… I want a solution not a conversation about options!” I became a bit testy… I left his cube and sat down at my desk with a head of steam and a mission to resolve the issue on my own.

Ten minutes later, he stopped by my desk to ask “We OK?” I put my hand out and said “you bet”… done. And we were both off to tackle other issues…

Notes: this is a great example of the simple “Man to Man” dynamic that works very well in a pressure filled corporate environment…

Interaction 2:

This interaction took place between me and a female co-worker… just one day before the above interaction.

As I mentioned in the above setup… it is now my job to review my customer surveys on a regular basis.

So, I looked at my first survey report and BAM! One nasty review stood out like a sore thumb. In an instant, none of the glowing reviews mattered… not even the two that were entered by the very same person who was throwing me under the bus! I was consumed by the “attack” and at first my feelings were all over the board…

Report text:

I sent in the ticket at 9:00am (PST) on Tuesday. Greg came by and looked briefly
at my device at 4:15pm. He sent an email to you (cced me) at 4:45 saying that he
looked up the error message and would talk to me ASAP. Despite seeing him around the office several times, he did not speak to me on Wednesday until 4:45pm (this apparently
is ASAP to him). He told me that it was going to be a complicated fix, requiring 1) him
to spend a lot of time on the phone with IT folks on the east coast and 2) me to leave
my phone with him all day or all night or both. I was under several critical project
deadlines during this time and was hampered enough without email access on my phone, much less not having my phone so that staff and clients could get a hold of me! I have had
this issue before and other ICF IT folks (Jose, Greg’s predecessor) who were able
to fix it in a matter of minutes. On Wednesday night, after speaking to Greg and his
multi-day fix prediction, I went home, followed the instructions on my phone, and had it fixed within 10 minutes. Greg never helped me in any way. During this experience, I was
unsatisfied with his customer service abilities, responsiveness, and IT capabilities.

Initially I felt attacked and my posture (both physical and emotional) was defensive. Her recollection of the service process was way off. As I started writing a “rebuttal” mostly for my boss’s eyes… I was steaming. I was not only going to “set her straight”. I was going to clear my name.

About half way through the first draft, I caught my breath and realized that I was smack in the middle of a textbook Feminine storm. She was lashing out with her Masculine sword and I was about to hit back with a Feminine barrage of “I don’t know what”.

Wait a minute! That ain’t right! I’m here to serve. Especially to serve women who feel “less than safe” in their worlds… not to crumble under pressure, not to act like an immature idiot! So, I pulled myself up (physically and emotionally) and wrote the following:

I see in your survey response for ticket # 34853 that you were dissatisfied with my performance. I’m sorry to hear that. I can see that I mishandled the ticket and I apologize for the problems that caused you. I assure you that while I am not familiar with the TREO and was not able to provide the fix off the top of my head, I did work hard between other calls to find answers to the problem. I eventually located the info on how to re-establish the sync session (I assume that was the fix). I received your email indicating that you had found the fix before I could forward that info to you. That being said, I have identified the flaws in my process and my goal is to learn from my mistakes and implement positive changes in my work process as needed. I believe that my failure to communicate with you was the biggest issue in the mishandling of this ticket. I have learned that if I don’t clearly and completely document my efforts in the ticket details and don’t communicate with the end user at a much higher level; I am not serving those end users to the best of my abilities. I can and will change that.

I apologize for the inconvenience. I will step up my efforts going forward.

Thanks for your time

I did my best to follow the straight forward formula that I have been teaching for some time…

Stand strong in the storm and remember my purpose is to serve
Value the storm… remember it’s a great barometer of the state of the relationship
Identify and own my part in the issue
Understand what personal changes I need to make in order to fix the core problem
Formulate and emotionally commit to a plan to implement the changes
Own all of this… then and only then, communicate my ownership, understanding and commitment to the other party. Lay it out concisely with only enough detail to get the job done.

So, I re-read my response, verified in my mind that yes, indeed I owned every piece of it, took a deep breath and… hit “send”.

The next day, my efforts were rewarded. The true feminine light of our user came shining through in her response…

Greg,

Thank you for your email. I really appreciate all the effort, thought and diligence that went into this response. I also want to apologize for how harsh my survey was…I was coming off of a couple intense projects and was under a lot of stress. I should have taken a step back, but at the time, I was going 100 miles a minute and this spilled out as I went. This is uncharacteristic of me and will not happen again (I will take a deep breath first and then jump).

All interactions with you since have been flawless. I definitely do not consider this ticket to be the norm- you are clearly very capable and easy to work with. I look forward to working with you now and in the future.

Best,

Some things that stand out for me are, the two interactions were quite different and textbook polarity experiences. And, while interaction 2 took place mostly in an email world, and it was cloaked in “business ease” the energy or polarity shfit was unmistakable.

I love it when this stuff works!

The energy in the office has changed

2011-01-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

I ran into her my first week… no, hi how ya doin, my name is, etc. Nope, just a terse “I’ve got a problem and I need it fixed now because, blah blah blah… (Fill in all the reasons that it is important that I not blow her off like everyone else does). Over the next month or so, I observed that the few smiles she had to offer anyone were forced at best and most of her conversations started with cold facts and were “to the point”. Most folks avoided her when possible.

Over time, I was fortunate to also observe the almost daily dance between her and the man sitting across from me. She consistently entered our area with guns a blazin… she needs something from him and was expecting a fight. He never disappointed… he could usually see her coming and was always ready to say no, with plenty of supporting evidence as to why he was taking that stance. You could feel the muscles clenching from across the room… it felt like two locomotives heading right for each other.

Let the games begin!

Actually, this had been going on for some time. I’m sure it started mildly enough but by now, it was an epoch battle. Eventually she cracked. I witnessed the break down… she was in tears and steaming at the same time. Over the next few days both parties spent time in the Manager’s office telling their side of the story. In the end, the project that they were working on died and she was laid off.

The energy in the office changed to quiet and calm. I now watch as he works with others without any issues. One might conclude that the problem has been removed but, I wonder…

Doesn’t it take two to tango? Could either of them have changed the dynamic? Who came to the table with the bad attitude? We may never know.

What I know and will guarantee is, it didn’t have to be that way and either one could have changed it. I usually put the responsibility of that job on the guy’s shoulders but we can talk more about that later. (May be a good topic for the men’s meetings) Bottom line: these kind of actions and reactions are symptoms of a man and a woman trying to be equal in their relationship.

Could her actions be a result of poor Polarity in relationships outside the workplace? If so, it is quite possible that he was presented with her harsh demeanor when he came into the picture… and his choice was to battle. This is all too common. Would it have been a better and nobler choice to step up and fight to make her feel safe even if it would have been an uphill battle? Oh yea baby. Unfortunately that is not so common.

So, what is the moral of the story…? Even though the air is much lighter here now, she was only part of the problem and it could happen again if he doesn’t learn the Polarity ropes. It’s not all doom and gloom for him though… he has yet to learn the power, internal strength and sense of purpose that is to be gained from stepping up and leading someone into proper Polarity. Now that’s a dance worth dancing! On the other hand… sometimes she needs to be the one to reset the tone and emotionally invite him to dance… then step back and see if he can lead. Not that I feel that is a feminine duty but rather an unfortunate reality of our times. Sometimes it comes down to how much you are willing to invest in another person or your work environment. (Another great topic)

If you take anything from this… at least see the dance for what it is and don’t be afraid to play.

Thanks for listening.

Greg

Hey, is this thing on? Is anyone out there?

I’m just sayin.

What is the truth anyway?

2011-01-11T11:17:00.001-08:00

What is the truth anyway?

Theirs… Other people’s beliefs. Their truth is based on their upbringing, education and experience.

Yours… Same as above. May be different than theirs.

Ours… A widely held truth is that which is accepted by most. For example, our laws are supposed to be made from these.

Some interesting widely held truths:

Energetic Polarity… That spark that creates attraction… you know it when it’s there and it can be created and / or cultivated

A man’s spark is most powerful when every piece of his physical and emotional life is running like a well oiled machine… Her spark is most bright when she feels safe in her world.

What will you believe… what truths will you hold?

What personal truths would you like to change?

What truths are you willing to fight for… what do you stand for?

Your move…

I LOVE THIS GUY!!!

2010-12-28T16:25:00.000-08:00

OK, so I’m readin along in this book (Honoring the Medicine by Kenneth Cohen) and the author mentions another book (Man’s Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor E.Frankl)… Definitely on my “gotta read list”.

He describes Dr Frankl as a founder of Logotherapy and goes on to say… Logotherapy regards meaningfulness (logos in Greek) as the key to psychological health. Happiness cannot be found through a mere adjustment and adaptation to society or resolution of internal conflicts. Rather, it requires finding meaning and purpose in life.

Sigmund Freud thought that people are primarily motivated by the desire to find pleasure and avoid the unpleasurable. Frankl discovered that the “will to meaning” is a far stronger power in people’s lives.

AMEN!!! I love this guy!!!

If you know me at all… you know I have been preaching for some time that, the cornerstone of a man’s ability to be everything he can… to be an amazing Provider, Protector, Visionary and Leader, is his ability to find and focus on his Purpose.

I agree with Frankl’s assertion that we should “stop asking about the meaning of life” and it’s probably a good idea to just choose the purpose that is in front of us and go for it.

I further believe that in order for a guy’s purpose to be most powerful, it must be selfless and above and beyond everything else in his life. (I mean everything!)

Why does any of this stuff matter? Well, it’s been my experience and pleasure to have a feeling of purpose that has saved my butt form feelings of depression a couple of times.

Ooooops, here I am up on this damn soap box again… I’ll climb down and listen to what you have to say for a while.

What do you think?

Greg

The number 4

2010-12-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yes I’m reading another book (Honoring the Medicine by Kenneth Cohen)… don’t be mislead by my recent mentions of cracking open a couple books; I’m not exactly a big reader. It just happens that I found this book when I was looking for more info that might be helpful in my attempt to write a book about how to build men from the ground up.

A little ironic? Maybe, but that’s another topic for another day.

Anyway, Ken’s got me thinkin about the number 4…

Specifically, the 4 Winds as they are described and utilized in Native American literature and ceremony.

When added to

… The 4 Pillars of a Man

… The 4 Masculine Elements

… The 4 emotional levels of being (Part of the 6 physical and emotional Levels of Being)

“It blows the mind”…. Oooops, sorry that must have been a flashback or something.

OK, here’s what I’m talking about men. The number 4 has potential to play a big role in our lives…

Stu Weber talks about the 4 pillars of a man in his book “Tender Warrior”. He very nicely describes the Friend, Warrior, Mentor and King as those emotional pillars and how, when they are in harmony in a man, they form a strong masculine spine. Great info to have! It has been my experience that in those moments that I have them all in order, I am a force to be reckoned with.

The 4 Masculine Elements come from my work and are described as Provider, Protector, Visionary and Leader. Again, pulling them into harmony in my interactions with others yields power and success at the very least. When I am all those things in my intimate relationship, she lights up the room.

The 4 emotional levels of being are used in the practice of NLP as everything from emotional benchmarks to targets for personal change work. They are your beliefs about yourself or your life at the following levels: Capabilities (Knowledge), Beliefs (Cause and effect), Identity and Spiritual. If we work to gain harmony in these again, we are a powerful gift in the world. Note: the other 2 levels are (Physical Levels of Being: Environment and Behavioral)

I have studied the 4 winds and the medicine wheel and I love the way Ken lays out the info. His writings lend credence to my ideas about how the medicine wheel can be an excellent template for the growth cycle of a man. Again, great info! And as always, balance plays a big role.

First, I am intrigued by the overlap of information… how these teachings come from totally different places and teach similar lessons. It’s my belief that when you notice such overlap in your studies, you are in fact finding the truth.

Second I know that it’s easy to say… hey, this is what you need and you should just do it but, I also know that very rarely works. It has been my experience that all of these wonderful tools and teachings can be dissected and a path to their successful use can be laid out and implemented if you put your mind to it and lean on your brothers along the way. That’s what I do, that why I’m here… if you want to talk more about that I’m all ears but, for now I thought you would find this info interesting and maybe helpful

Have a powerful day

Another Willie Gem…

2010-11-19T15:34:00.001-08:00

Another Willie Gem…

“Think about it – do you know even a single person who is normal? Chances are, you think you are the most normal person in your entire circle of family, friends and coworkers. I mean, face it, isn’t there something just a little bit strange about every dang one of them? They’re just not normal.” – Willie Nelson.

I was thinking about that the other night… I stood there and looked at my circle and I had to agree… I also came to the conclusion that it ain’t about who might be normal, centered, sable or any of those other adjectives we like to use to describe ourselves.

In the discussion I was in, we decided that its more about the damage sustained in everyone’s childhood that matters because, we all have damage (Isn’t it a parent’s job to screw their kids up anyway?)… and I believe that it’s a whole lot more about what each one of is doing to deal with our damage.

I want to hang with people that admit their flaws and do consistent work to change. Maybe that’s why I trust successfully recovering addicts so much, they have looked their character defects straight in the eye and done something about em. Ya gotta like that.

It comes back to that old “Polarity Thing”. At the core it’s about attraction... I am not attracted to hanging out with people who don’t do something to change their situation or way of being and I don’t know anyone who can afford to ignore that stuff, including myself.

That’s enough out of me. What do you think?

Things Willie Says

2010-11-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

I started re-reading "The Tao of Willie" the other day...

I like the book for a number of reasons, chief among them is Willie’s simple and straight forward delivery. I definitely relate to that.

I thought it would be fun to post a gem from the book, add my thoughts and see if anyone else might add theirs so, here goes…

“I believe we are all here for a reason… And since we cannot truly know the reason, the best approach is to aim high in the manner in which you conduct your life” -- Willie Nelson.

I like it!

Another word for "reason" is purpose... I have found a lot of great info on what purpose is and about being Purposeful. I absolutely believe that “purpose” is a key building block of every truly great man.

WOW… I have had a lot of fun with this one for years. It has been the topic of many great discussions. (Wanna have some fun… ask a guy what his purpose is and stand back. If his head doesn’t explode, at least you’ll get a good tap dance show)

Some men I have worked with have chosen Willie’s path “to live a life of high standards” as their purpose.

Speaking for myself…

I have spent a great deal of time on this process. In my experience it has been quite valuable to understand that I may never know why I’m here but, I can do very well and be of great service if I pick a good purpose and just do it. (The purpose that seems closest to me at the time works well)

I have an overall purpose and most of the actions or missions in my day to day life support it.

I feel the power of my purpose in every part of my being…

I know if I am on or off purpose… in fact, on those day when my purpose is the most important thing in my life (Yes even more important than my beautiful lady) and I am “on purpose”, I am at the very least, a powerfully positive force, I have great energy, people find me attractive and I get things done. On those days when I’m “off”, it’s for the most part, frustrating… ya know, one of those days when ya spin your wheels and get nowhere.

I have even experienced a mild state of depression when I lose my purpose for an extended period of time. (Ya know, that feeling of spinning your wheels combined with questions about your self-worth)

From a physical perspective, being on purpose yields… direction, focus, energy, action and ultimately, success, selfless service and amazing relationships of all kinds.

I don’t know about Ya’All but, that sounds pretty good to me… SIGN ME UP!

So, is it enough to know that things can be great if you find your purpose or, should we spend some time figurin out the steps for gettin there?

OR… am I just full of hot air and chasin my tail like a dog on steroids? (Somebody turn a hose on me!)

My 2 cents…

Ouch, that’s hot!!!

2010-11-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Some emails are just too hot to handle…

I had an opportunity to experience a flaming email from a male friend of mine the other day… it arrived out of the blue and he had a lot of nasty things to say.

I know I can be a real a-hole at times (just ask my girlfriend)… Heck, I can’t even stand myself all the time but, really? (Maybe it’s time for a bottle, binky and a nap big fella…)

All kidding aside… I was not only saddened by the episode but struck by the “Polarity Truth”… Anyone, man or women who acts or reacts from an energy that is not their core energy… quickly becomes quite unattractive. (I guarantee, you don’t want to deal with me when I’m reacting from my feminine energy) And, when someone operates from a reversed polarity on a regular basis, my desire to communicate with that person will diminish. In fact, I had not been attracted to communicating with this friend much in the last few months for that reason.

The whole thing has been a great relationship refresher course. I was reminded how some relationships can be very hard or, start to feel like a great deal of work and how important emotional investment is. Another “Polarity Truth”… Only those relationships that you are completely invested in, can withstand that much friction, its attraction that creates the desire to invest and there is only so much anyone will do to save a relationship that is unattractive for an extended period of time.

Another widely held truth that I subscribe to says a person’s actions are directly related to their current state of being and that state is always malleable so, I hold out hope that my friend will find his strength and own his masculine energy again.

I am very grateful for the relationships in my life that range from attractive to amazing. I am left with a renewed desire to cultivate them today.

Thanks for listening

Provision

2010-11-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wake up with a question on my mind. Today I sat on the train and wondered how people would respond to the simple question that was rolling around in my head so, here goes…

Should men "Provide"?

Why?

If so, what?

Post One

2010-11-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Oh, this is gonna be fun. With this short story, I am launching this new blog and its (soon) it's supporting web-site, www.amansplaceis.com.

I hope to stir up some great conversation and push a few folks to question what they currently accept as “the norm”.

11/01/2010

I was on my usual morning commute, sitting on the train heading downtown. I overheard 2 middle age women talking… they had not seen each other in a while and they were catching up. The lady who I did not recognize as a regular rider (Let’s call her Sue) was explaining how she had been laid off and was on her way to the office to turn in her equipment etc.

One thing that caught my attention was the part of the discussion that dealt with Sue’s husband, Bob. Apparently, Bob isn’t exactly a “go-getter”. His feelings about the layoff were summed up as being “anxious for me to get back to work so that I can continue to support him in the manor he has become accustom to”. (Both ladies laughed) The tone was condescending at best, his actions around the issue were described as useless and this was summed up with the comment, “ya know Bob is just Bob”. Both ladies shrugged and smiled a bit. You could feel the disrespect and lack of attraction.

That’s when I subconsciously decided to take a closer look at the women who was sucking the life out of the train car… Sue was a bit out of shape, sporting a man’s haircut and wearing a big flannel shirt. She looked unhappy and hard-edged at best and she was working hard to paint a picture of her chances for continued success.

As we stepped off the train and they walked away, I wondered…

… Does she talk about Bob that way when he is in the room? (That is more common than you might think and I bet she does)

… What is Bob really like? Has he always been the doormat she described?

… Was Bob attracted to her in the beginning because she was strong and getting things done? Was she attracted to him because he fit in to her driven lifestyle? (Again, very common)

I can’t help but feel that their relationship has become for the most part, cohabitation and a bit of companionship. In other words, a partnership that works on some levels but has lost its spark. I also believe that has a lot to do with the Polarity between them… the apparent reverse of the masculine and feminine roles in their household. (How common do ya think that is?)

I was also struck by a feeling of gratitude, because I am able to be the Provider, Protector, Visionary and Leader in my relationship every day and that the passion is strong. Ya know… that doesn’t have to change and I’ll work hard to make sure it doesn’t.

Anyway… that is what I took from the interaction. What do you think?

Greg